Hide and Seek

The very first game ever played, it seems, was hide and seek.  When Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden they ate off the one tree that God had specifically said not to eat from. God came walking through the garden looking for them, calling out to them, and where were they?  Hiding.  Hoping in their desperation and fear that somehow their omnipresent Father would miss them.  They knew that they had disobeyed and done wrong, so what was their first inclination?  Was it to look for God and tell him what they had done?  No.  It was to hide.

Growing up, I learned all about hiding.  I figure we all have hidden things, or from things.  Maybe hiding a broken toy,  halloween candy that you don’t want anyone else to eat, or vitamins behind your dresser (really, who in the world would do that?).  I did that and much more.  I hid my vitamins, I hid peas in my napkin, I hid cookies under my bed, I hid a ripped book in pre kindergarten.  I hid from my mom when I didn’t want to go to school.  Then I hid behind the story of a stomach ache.

I hid wrappers from food that I ate.  I hid notes from teachers, and progress reports.  I hid bills.  I hid many many things from many many people.  I thought I was good at it.  And maybe for a time I was.  But, eventually, things that are “hidden” more likely then not are found.  God found Adam and Eve.  My parents found the vitamins, and creditors found the bills, unpaid. 😛

I feel like I have grown so much, and have stepped into the light with my hands thrown to my sides saying “here I am!!”  “find me”.  But am I really letting the light hit all my dark places?  Am I hiding still?  The answer I believe, is yes.

Perhaps not in the same ways- money and bills are not in hiding anymore, thanks to a patient, loving husband and an amazing God.  Vitamins, well, I take them each morning now without any behind my dresser. 🙂 And thankfully no report cards anymore.

I am still struggling.  I am still dealing with the food issue.  This has been since I was a little girl.  I was a chubby little thing.  I can remember being about 7 or so, and one of my dad’s students (he was a coach) looked at me on the field and said “are you Coach Bradbury’s daughter?” I said “yes”. And he smirked. “you are FAT. I didn’t know coaches kids were fat”.  I ran.  I hid under the play structure and cried.

I always felt chubby.  When I was in 4th grade, I went over to a friends house to play.  We were in her kitchen and her mom looked at me and said “have you lost weight?”  And I just shrugged (I really don’t think I had) and said “I don’t know” and She smiled and said I looked good.  I vowed right then and there to always wear that blue uniform.

I would go on countless diets.  And fail.  And I would be offered a dollar a pound.  Yes,  a dollar a pound to lose weight.  I went on long bike rides.  Those bike rides were to a local market where I would buy a bunch of donuts and eat them on the way home. And stash the wrappers.  I would eat all sorts of things, and then make sure the evidence was hidden.

As an adult, it goes in waves.  There are times when the ability to eat in moderation is easy.  Healthy food and exercise become second nature.  And then, in times of stress, I go back to my childhood pattern of eating and hiding.  I am trying to fool myself into thinking that I am not doing it that much.  And then, I find myself going for one more serving, one more cookie.  And hiding it.  And I am tired.

I want to be the one counting.  I want to be seeking.  I want to run out into the warming light of my Father with my arms open wide singing “here I am!!!”  “find me find me!!” But, what is it that is holding me back?  Of this I am unsure.  My fear?  My selfishness of wanting what I want when I want it?  My worldly attitude?  All of those things combined = a very hidden person.

Hiding can be helpful.  Hiding from the world sometimes is an ok thing.  But when it becomes not only hiding from things that may hinder your relationships with your family and God, but you are hiding from your family and God….that’s when it becomes and issue.

Hiding also can have huge benefits.  Hiding God’s Word in your heart so that in times when you are struggling, the comfort and correction are already there is crucial.

But, hiding under the covers to avoid your day, or hiding the donut box in the trash around the corner…. not.

So friends.  “Here I am”  “find me find me find me”!!!  I am a flawed person, who has been in hiding lately, but no more.  It will be a struggle.  It won’t be fun.  But I don’t want a pile of vitamins on my mind.  I don’t want a candy wrapper to be keeping me in the shadows.  I am ready to be dancing in the warm light, flaws and all with my arms flung wide open.  No more hiding.

I am the seeker now.


10 thoughts on “Hide and Seek

  1. Perspective is such an interesting thing. Growing up, I never remember noticing your weight. What sticks in my memory when I think of you is your smile. You have always had the best, enormous smile filled with enthusiasm and love. So, that’s the size you are to me, an aunt with overflowing love.

  2. Love this perspective. It is truly amazing how much each one of all hides from something and until we bring it to the light we cannot conquer it! You are an inspiration to everyone that will read this. Miss seeing you, friend!

  3. We ALL have insecurities girl – when I think of you I think of a happy, good, loving, fun mom that is head over heels in love with her four precious children 🙂

  4. Uhhhh I always knew you were hiding the phone bills 😉 Yet I still loved ya. You might have been hiding but I was on to you, didn’t care because you were my friend and will always be. Hey we all were hiding stuff, we are all flawed. We were both tiny when we lived together, was it pressure of the age or simply because we didn’t spend money on food? I would like a bowl of rice please, or maybe an ear of corn from the guy selling them on the side of the road 😉

  5. You’re definitely not hiding anymore with the huge invitation to let God’s light and love and wisdom and amazingness pour into you by completely and fully revealing your hiddenness with us all. You are a brave woman. I can totally sense your heartfelt desire to bare your soul to the Lord and ask Him to seek you out and find you. Your honesty and realness and vulnerability before us all, publicly, is something I really respect about you. I will be lifting you up in prayer Jenny. Thank you for humbling yourself before us. Your realness is a testimony to me. Thank you.

  6. as scary as being “found” seems, it’s freeing isn’t it?

    been there. still there in some areas, today.

    what a faithful God we serve. he never gets weary of us, no matter how weary we become.

    loved this post.

  7. Wow! That was an awesome post!
    I hadn’t checked up on you lately (I can barely see above my dirty laundry and dirty dishes!) and I’m so glad I did tonight!!
    I love what you wrote.
    Hugs to you!!

  8. Hello…Jenny? I think that’s your name. Found your blog through Adeye’s. This post spoke/speaks volumes to me! I had an eating disorder for a long time and now I blog about my recovery from it. I have never thought of my (past) behaviour as a game of hide and seek before, but this makes SO much sense to me. And yes, I also am striving to be the counter from now. Thanks for your perspective and know you’re making a difference in this world!

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