Heart Matters


My heart is aching.  

The woman in this photo (and many others) we have of Lauren is her foster mother.  Lauren has been with her sweet foster family for about 2 years.  They are all she has known for the better part of her life.  I have been told how they adore her.  And you can see it in each and every photo and report we have seen she has grown, not only grown but flourished in their care. I know her sweet and joyful demeanor come from them and the care she gets. I know they have doted on her.  I know they also have taught her that she can do anything she sets her mind to.  

She has learned to trust.  She has learned how to give and receive love.  She has been taught that she is perfect.  She has gained confidence and ability.  She has learned to care for herself, and to help others.  She can run.  She can cut with scissors.  She can draw.  She can feed and dress herself.  She loves others in her community and stands up for those who are the "underdog".  I love everything I have read about this little one.  Everything.

And for that I am so very thankful to the gift she has been given with her Grandma and Grandpa.  

I have to be honest and say I have been struggling.  I know that her family knows she is being adopted.  I also know that they are really sad.  My heart is breaking for them.  When I think of this amazingly wonderful and loving home she has been blessed with, I am heartbroken.  For all that they will be losing.  For all that she will be leaving behind.  I cannot imagine the fear, the confusion that will come.  I am not afraid of that.  I am prepared for the emotions that will come.  But I am heartbroken for Grandma and Grandpa.

I feel so strongly about this.  It consumes my prayers lately.  I know God hears the cries of my heart.  The cries that also asked Michael if we are doing the wrong thing.  If we should use our finances to make it possible for her foster family to keep her.  I know how much she brings to their lives.  Michael agreed that we owe a debt unpayable to her family, but that he was sure that God had lead us to Lauren and Lauren to us.  

How do you adequately thank a woman who has been your child's momma?  How can you even remotely convey how thankful you are for them?  That they will FOREVER be a part of our family?  That we will never forget, nor never let Lauren forget her years with them?  

My prayer most fervently is that we can remain in contact with them.  I have heard stories of foster families sneaking notes inside clothing.  I secretly yearn for that.  I pray also that we have the opportunity to meet them while in China.  I have studied the photos until I know the lines on her face.  The crinkles around her eyes as she smiles at her Yan Yan,  I know the look of amusement on her face and imagine her laughter.  I can imagine the emptiness in the house after Lauren leaves. My heart aches.

I know that Lauren is meant to be in the Markmiller family.  I also know that she is blessed to have 2 amazing women whom she can forever call Momma.  Her amazing birth mom,whom I believe loves her with all that she is, who carried her and lovingly took her to a safe spot where she would be found…her foster momma, who cared for her with love and tenderness, and now God has given me the privilege to be called her Momma as well.  

So, for now, I will allow my heart to grieve.  I don't know if or when that ache will heal.  But I know I will forever be thankful for it.  And forever thankful to our Grandma and Grandpa in China. 



9 thoughts on “Heart Matters

  1. Sob-cry-snot bugger-snot bugger. That was beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. Since we finally decided on boy #6’s name it struck me suddenly last night about what their birth mothers named them. I so long to know more about them and their circumstance. I long to know what their names were and where they lived. So, so difficult. But such beauty in the midst of all the suffering!

  2. I love you so very much… God knows the very whisper of your heart and even her birth momma! What a gift she has and you will have given!

  3. I love this post and the tribute of the family who is caring and loving for your sweet girl. I will be praying that indeed, the Lord knits your families together … in some God way …. you will be connected to them for life not just in the love you both will share for your little one, but through physical and personal ways. Our God is BIG … and so as you pray, I will be praying too for those things and the ache in your Mommy heart.

  4. I know the very ‘ache’ you speak of. Mine is slightly different, as Khloe was not in a private foster home. Yet being at NewDay, I know the level of love and care she received, and I seen it first hand. I remember seeing both of her full-time nannies cry as they said their last goodbye. I just pray that Khloe will have the opportunity to thank them in person one day, for all of the love and care they lavished upon her. My heart will forever be grateful, and knit together with theirs and her birth mama, because of this special little bundle of love we all have been able to call daughter. I pray that you have that opportunity to meet them and stay in touch. I know they’d appreciate updates as she grows in your family, and it would help bring peace and healing to their grieving hearts. I will be praying for your heart, too!
    Big Hugs,

  5. I’m so sorry for your heart’s grief. I know that place. What solace that God is in control of everything, and that everything has already been planned and prepared for. I love you, Jenny.

  6. Oh Jenny, This is just so wonderful, and so sad. I cannot even imagine what it will be like for Lauren’s foster family. I think they are just amazing, amazing people. I will be praying with you, my friend.

  7. Such deep and emotional stuff to think about. I have prayed for this special family along with yours since we first learned of Lauren.
    I think this speaks volumes about you, Jenny. Your love for her and them is so evident. I can imagine the temptation to wonder if she should just be helped to stay there. But going through all of this is what makes you an amzing mother for her. Your ability to identify and weed through all the aspects and emotions and then give it over to the Lord is wonderful. How better to minister to her little broken heart than from your own? I love your heart Jenny Markmiller. I love your daughter. I love the God who brought you together.

  8. We got to meet our son’s foster family. It was miraculous and amazing. If you want to meet them, you’ll have to do the legwork but it can be done. It is best for them if you not blog about it though. We have so many photos of us together that our son will always have.
    We also are still in contact. You know, most people in China have email. 😉 And also, once you have your Art. 5, you can legally (even with hague) make contact as far as US is concerned. Start with the SWI yahoo group and most likely if this FM is in contact with other families, you can easily make contact.
    Leslie (another AW family)

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