It has been 6 months since we relocated to Oklahoma.
Half a year.
Can that really be true? In many ways it feels as though we just arrived. And in many ways, it feels as though we have always lived here. This milestone creeped up on me. I realized that we have lived here 6 months the other day when talking to someone at Jack and Katie's school. And it took me by surprise.
So, here we are. As I am sitting on my bed blogging, I am listening to rain pounding our roof, watching lightening across the hay meadow and hearing the thunder crash loudly. A huge change from my view in LA. A huge life change as well.
I have said it before that my soul seems at home here. Increasingly it becomes more and more the truth as each day passes. I have to say that this has not been the easiest thing for us. To be honest and transparent- it has been one of the most painful times in my life. When we left Los Angeles, my heart hurt. I was excited about the move, especially for Michael- but my heart was broken.
To leave all that I knew was scary. To leave my sisters, my parents, my in-laws and best friends, was truly excrutiating. My heart grieved- at times I still get to the point of tears and aching. I don't remember going through a time of such emptiness. Loneliness. A feeling that I had nothing. I knew no one.
I can distinctly remember our first two weeks here. Michael was here for a few days, and then he flew off to Seattle for his first actual week of work. And I was alone. With 3 children, who truly wanted to be anywhere but here. Much more so, the tears, the screams, the anger, all directed toward me- were overwhelming. I could comfort them, but not much. Their heartache caused my heart to ache more.
We didn't fit anywhere. I remember times going into my shower after puting the kids to bed, and sobbing. I remember my sisters calling, hiding my tears coursing down my cheeks. I remember every message I got from cheerful friends made me miss home and made me wonder what did we do. I became a person I didn't really like, nor know.
My relationship with my kids was tense and hard. My relationship with Michael was so tense. I loved loved loved watching him go through the experience of God's hand in his work life. He came home every day happier then I have ever seen him. He called with joy and excitement in his voice. And I cried. I was so sad- and upset that he could be so happy, meeting new friends, doing what the Lord wants for his life….and I was at home, with 3 children, lonely.
It wasn't him. It was the timing.
Life got easier as the days went by. Our home was unpacked. Furniture made empty rooms cozy and homelike. The scariness of late night storms, and tornado watches got more familiar. I was able to find where we lived on the little map in the corner of the local channels to know when to bundle up the kids and head for safety. I knew where Super Target was. I could find the Sonic, and a gas station. Our mail finally started arriving. Things were starting to fall into place.
I think that God really used this time in my life to draw me closer to Him. It amazes me how in the points in my life when I forget to call upon Him- are the times He pulls me close to Him. Teaches me to rely on Him and Him alone for my source of comfort and friendship. I am thankful, now, that I had the opportunity to go through this period of being alone. I drew closer to Him and learned to depend on Him.
Michael kept praying with me- and promising me that if God brought us out here, He would prepare a place for our family to worship, provide friends, and schools for the kids where our family could thrive. I have to be honest when I say I truly didn't believe it. Each time we visited a new church, I didn't feel uplifted. I felt deflated. I missed our church in Ca. more then I could even fathom. The first time we walked into our church here, was the first time I felt my heart lift a bit. I felt at home. At peace.
Since that time, I have learned that Michael was right. God prepared a place for us here. He has provided all that we need and more. The most amazing thing to me is how God used this time as a time to grow me- and draw me closer to him.
I wonder what the next 6 months will bring.