When I decided to "go public" with our thoughts of adopting again, I was really hesitant in doing it. That meant, it was out there. It is more then whispers to each other at night in our bed. It is more than whispers into our hearts. It is more then the what if’s? It is out there. So why is it difficult? One moment, I look at our family and see our 3 kids- all playing together- all sleeping- all drawing, or reading and I think "someone is missing". My heart hurts a bit thinking that wondering if we are dragging our feet when the Lord really is wanting us to step out on that water.
Then, there are those days. YOU KNOW those days. When crabbiness abounds, fights ensue, yelling, screaming, crying, door slamming and disobedience take the forefront of our home. I sit on my bed at night and wonder if I have it in me to do it all again. Do I have the stamina, the patience, the time to give to another child without sacrificing Jack, Sam and Katie. Facing the tween years, and teenagerhood. Facing kindergarten with Katie in a year. Could we do it again? What would our dynamic be? How would it change our family?
Then there are days when I think that we have been so blessed with our children. And our adoption journey to Katie was amazing. Our bonding was swift and sure and she was full of joy and giggles from the moment we met. We had that atypical amazing experience. We were prepared for a different reaction, but were amazed with our entire journey. I know that could never be duplicated, but a HUGE part of me is SO scared. I guess that is where faith and trust come into play.
Adoption is such a huge part of God’s vocabulary. It is so designed by Him. And I know that if we are meant to travel to China and bring home another Markmiller, it will be so. So now, on a daily basis, we pray, talk, wonder and think about the years to come. And what that might mean for us. But for now, a large part of my heart is still in the country that gave us our daughter. And perhaps, my heart is being drawn again to a daughter yet unknown.