Back and Forth….Back and Forth


When I decided to "go public" with our thoughts of adopting again, I was really hesitant in doing it.  That meant, it was out there.  It is more then whispers to each other at night in our bed.  It is more than whispers into our hearts.  It is more then the what if’s?  It is out there.   So why is it difficult?  One moment, I look at our family and see our 3 kids- all playing together- all sleeping- all drawing, or reading and I think "someone is missing".  My heart hurts a bit thinking that wondering if we are dragging our feet when the Lord really is wanting us to step out on that water. 

Then, there are those days.  YOU KNOW those days.  When crabbiness abounds, fights ensue, yelling, screaming, crying, door slamming and disobedience take the forefront of our home.  I sit on my bed at night and wonder if I have it in me to do it all again.  Do I have the stamina, the patience, the time to give to another child without sacrificing Jack, Sam and Katie.  Facing the tween years, and teenagerhood.  Facing kindergarten with Katie in a year.  Could we do it again?  What would our dynamic be?  How would it change our family? 

Then there are days when I think that we have been so blessed with our children.  And our adoption journey to Katie was amazing.  Our bonding was swift and sure and she was full of joy and giggles from the moment we met.  We had that atypical amazing experience.  We were prepared for a different reaction, but were amazed with our entire journey.  I know that could never be duplicated, but a HUGE part of me is SO scared.  I guess that is where faith and trust come into play.

Adoption is such a huge part of God’s vocabulary.  It is so designed by Him.  And I know that if we are meant to travel to China and bring home another Markmiller, it will be so.  So now, on a daily basis, we pray, talk, wonder and think about the years to come.  And what that might mean for us.  But for now, a large part of my heart is still in the country that gave us our daughter.  And perhaps, my heart is being drawn again to a daughter yet unknown.   


7 thoughts on “Back and Forth….Back and Forth

  1. I can so understand . . . there is so much to consider!
    Of course, we’re potty training Katie today (for the third time), so the thought of adding another to our family would just about put me over the edge! šŸ™‚
    I’ll be praying that you will have clear direction from the Lord . . . and we’ll be excited to see how He leads you!

  2. Wow – my thoughts exactly – there are even some days, honestly, when I think – I know you called us to this, God – even though I may not feel like it today!!!! Hang in there and know you are being prayed for…

  3. Wow! I haven’t checked your blog in a while…I could have written those words myself! Thanks for sharing what’s on your heart! It’s nice to look up from this walk of faith and see others on the same road…

  4. Ditto! Today was one of those days where I wanted to resign even though the kids were not really troublesome, I was just not feeling “mom-ish” today. Yet, we plug along. There are times too where I want to adopt another child, but since we are disqualified from China due to age, it probably won’t happen. Truth is for me I just want to re-live the China experience again like when we adopted Caroline. For me, it wasn’t a good enough reason. We feel complete the way we are. What God may be calling you to is different than me.

  5. I’m excited to watch and witness y’all processing this–maybe it’s because I can live vicariously? But more that whatever you end up deciding will be is intended for your family. I think your family is perfect the way you are and I think another dear girl would be perfect, too. Anyway, I have your back wherever and whatever ends up happening.

  6. Hey, you know I had that back and forth just with deciding to have a fourth biological child. Like Meg, I think your family is perfect, but would be perfect with an addition as well. You know… 4 is the new 3. šŸ˜‰ LOVE YOU!

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